St Elsewhere

Having left work over 6 weeks ago (and spending as many weeks getting over my aborted foray back to work leaving no time to blog.....OK, I hold my hands up, let's just say that I sort of 'forgot' that I had started a blog), I've been handed the responsibility of finding a 'suitable' school for the children if we move.

Now, this may seen like a relatively easy task for one who knows schools inside out, back to front and upside down with a well thumbed, first edition copy of the lexicon of euphemisms cooed by Heads and senior staff as soon as they spy a prospective parent crossing the threshold.

Many of the state schools in Birmingham, particularly in the region we're considering, are excellent (at least, that is, on paper). However, we'd probably only stand a chance of gaining entry to any of them by placing our children in the hands of Social Services. I kid you not!

Mitch and I visited one such school. The reception area was warm, inviting and colourful with typical displays of children's writing, artwork and photographs designed to whet the visitor's appetite to the school's educational version of '5 a day'.
I scanned the work with my sharp OFSTED trained eyes and found that much of the work more or less matched the comments and judgements made by my inspector colleagues who had recently visited the school and departed declaring the establishment as 'Outstanding'.

We were thus shown into the Head's office who began her bid for one of the coveted BAFTAs.....'Best Superhead in Urban Harmony'. She knew nothing of my background and proceeded to tell us about all St Happiness and its ethos, telesales style.

I chose to remain incognito (well, I was having far too much fun) and questioned Miss Guardthetruth about her philosphy on teaching and learning, what made her 'tick' professionally, how was the straitjacketed curriculum enriched, whether accelerated learning techniques are utilised, ways of identifying gifted and talented pupils, learning style profiles (honest, I really tried hard to tone it down but you see, art, music [we were entertained with a rap by a Year 3 class preparing for their assembly], school visits, teacher autonomy and individualised learning were worringly omitted from her oratory about St Happiness).
She was obviously taken aback at my line of questioning - unheard of and totally unexpected. I sensed her engaging in cerebral multi-tasking and thinking, 'You're not our typical clientele. Certainly can't blind this one with educational science. Hmm'. She couldn't really answer my questions and more or less admitted that she didn't have time to think about her real views - far too busy running the school.
I believe she spoke on behalf of most school leaders across the nation.

When asked, she also admitted that school meals at St Happiness had a very long way to go before Jamie Oliver would sit happily at the school dining table. I began to shift uncomfortably in my seat and spiralled into a haze of depression.

Our host began to shift uncomfortably too, 'So, Mrs McEvoy...are you in education? 'Miss Guardthetruth enquired with a knowing glint in her eye.
'Well, I was a teacher actually...several years ago...but I'm a full time mother now!' I replied with a huge smile hoping to divert her suspicions. Quick... think McEvoy...what would normal parents ask???

'How many rules do you have at St Happiness? Great I thought, we're back on track, as she gave a pristine response on discipline and behaviour management that would have the Chief Inspector declaring her 'Superhead UK'. Her response to my questions on bullying and ICT merited several gold stars too!


Most things about the school were pretty well polished particularly the pupil mantras when questioned by Miss Guardthetruth on our staged but impressive showround, 'We are a school community and respect everyone', 'We are all learners including the staff' they bleated.

They did, however, seem to be learning and enjoying the process too. But there was a forced, mechanical and teacher led programmed approach to their work which seemed to stifle the children's natural curiosity making the 'learning journey' encountered arrive at carbon copied outcomes. The children are force fed and regurgitate knowledge and facts with surprising similarity - barren and sterile.

They were such impressive formula led learners and my heart bled for them.

As Mitch and I gave our thanks and departed, we both knew that St Happiness would not be the place for our girls. Next stop.....